chapter seventeen – through thick and thin part i

Friday, April 8, 1988 - Morro Bay

The lady behind the counter placed the tea and bagel on the counter, "will there be anything else for you?"

Allison turned from the window and returned her smile, "ah, no I think that will be all thank you."

"That will be $1.90 dear."

"That is quite the view you have to put up with," Allison joked as she handed her a five dollar bill.

The lady chuckled looking out the large glass window, "yeah it's pretty dull isn’t it? But what are you gonna do?"

The local cafe was awash in sunlight as the sun shone warmly and white fluffy clouds floated out over 'The Rock' in Morro Bay. It was rather warm for April in the small town; the temperatures soared into the high 60's. It wasn't warm enough to swim but the surfers and parasailers were out in full force enjoying the breeze blown waters. The Rock was officially known as Morro Rock. It was the start of the Nine Sisters, a chain of volcanic hills and peaks that stretched between cities of Morro Bay and San Luis Obispo. The Rock wasn't the highest peak of the nine. In fact it was the smallest. However it was definitely the most famous of the nine given its dramatic placement on the beach of Morro Bay. The sisters were popular with hikers and of course photographers. It was one of the first landscapes she had ever photographed for pay, a small assignment for a local travel company.

She had left her parent's place early this morning with the intention of driving straight home. After a good extended stay with her parents she was ready to head south back to her own home. She had a lot do and a lot to plan for. Her life was going to change dramatically. But the Friday morning traffic had been light and the weather too good to ignore. So instead of taking the exit to go south she continued on the 41SW towards the coast arriving in Morro Bay an hour later. She wouldn't stay long, she just wanted to be near the water again and she could easily hop back on the 101 to take her home.

After collection her change Allison took her tea and bagel out to the patio to watch the surfers battle the waves. The beach was alive with activity. There were families taking advantage of the unusually warm day with children running through the sand. Cal Poly students taking a break from their studies looked to be setting up for a volley ball game and construction workers taking an early lunch. It was a scene that was typical for any town on the coast. Californian’s loved their beaches and summer was in the air.

As she finished up her bagel she
pulled out her camera thinking she could finish up her roll of film before going home. She took a few shots from the patio. Taking her tea with her she walked along the beach, away from the shoreline, to get the angle she wanted on the surfers and the rock. Satisfied with the composition she sat in the sand and clicked off her last few frames to finish the roll.  She sat for another few minutes enjoying the warm breeze and ocean air before she headed back to the car to continue her drive home down the 101. She had already contacted Grace and Marcus to let them know she would be picking up Samson. Grace was due in less than a month and Samson would stay with her for couple of days then he would go to stay with her parents while the Daye’s adjusted to life with their new baby.

“Oh… our babies will be less than a year apart!”
She couldn’t wait to tell them that, but there was someone else she wanted to tell before anyone else. As she drove the well known road, her mind focused on what she needed do. In her mind she was being extremely systematic and orderly like she was with everything else in her life that didn’t make her a scatterbrain, which she had basically been since last October when Michael kissed her. But now, now she was focused. Something inside of her just seemed to click. It happened yesterday, right after her first ultrasound, or more like it during the procedure. As soon as the technician found the tiny plum size baby and splashed the grainy image on the screen, everything changed in that very instant. The baby didn't even weigh an ounce yet, but there was an overwhelming urge to protect and take care of herself and her baby plum. There was her baby, their baby. She had excitement inside of her like never before. She never gave being a mom a thought, not thinking when or even if it would happen. But as soon as saw her own baby, that was all she could think of.

After picking up Samson and a quick visit with Grace she arrived at her apartment. As she walked around organizing herself she was surprised to see her answering machine was full. The tape was right to the end. She pressed the rewind button and went to place her suitcase in her bedroom. As she began to unpack she heard the machine click to start the messages. She froze still when she heard Michael’s voice in her living area. She walked back to hear him say that he missed her and that he was sorry for not being there for her. He asked her to call him in NY. Then the next set of messages he was in Indiana. He gave her a number to call telling her to ask for Mr. Stooge. The machine was filled with message from Michael. There must have been 20 messages on there and then the tape ended. His last message was from 2 weeks ago from Denver. He sounded sincere and just as sad as she felt for missing his messages, "Ally, please call, don't be mad, I love you."

"Oh Michael, I love you too," she whispered. She had no idea he would be missing her as much as she missed him. With shaking hands she picked up the phone to call, but then sudden realised she didn't know where to call. She didn't know what city he was in or the hotel either. And even if she knew that rather pertinent information she didn't know what name he would be using.

"Shit!" How was she going to contact him?

She paced the floor with Samson following her every step thinking it was a game. “Oh no buddy, I can’t play now. You gotta help mommy think! Think Sam think, how can we find him?” Samson wagged his tail ecstatically to be home with her but that was the extent of his assistance.

Okay... okay... Ally, think... think... she knew she had seen the complete schedule of the tour somewhere... just where.

"Where did I see it.... on the BSP? The concert shirts... on the staff list... no... OH - YES!"

She ran to her bedroom and unzipped the side pocket of her suitcase. Inside she found exactly what she was looking for, the Bad Tour Program.  She had begged him for a couple for herself as soon as Michael said they were ready and printed for the US Leg of the Tour. She flipped to the back page and found the list of cities on the US Leg of the tour. She scrolled her index finger down the slick glossy page.

February 23 & 24 Kemper Arena - Kansas City, MO

March 3 - 5, Madison Square Garden - New York City, NY

March 12 & 13 St. Louis Arena - St. Louis, MO

March 18 & 19 Market Square Arena - Indianapolis, IN

March 20 Freedom Hall - Louisville, KY

March 23 & 24 McNichols Sports Arena - Denver, CO

March 30 - April 1 Hartford Civic Center - Hartford, CT

April 8 - 10 The Summit - Houston, TX

April 13 – 15 The Omni - Atlan...

She stopped.

Houston!

He was in Houston.... starting tonight for 3 sold out nights at The Summit. Great, just great.

Could we get a bigger city please?

Houston was huge! She had no idea what hotel he would be in. She didn't even know how to find the hotels in Houston. She could probably call Val, but she didn’t want to deal with that conversation just yet. But she needed to do something. On a whim she picked up the phone and called directory assistance to get the number of The Summit in Houston. Sitting down on the floor she called the office and got an operator.

"The Summit, how can I help you?"

"Hi sorry to bother you, can you please tell me Michael Jackson is performing there tonight?"

"Yes, he is, but I am sorry we don't have any tickets available."

"Can you tell me if he is rehearsing there right now?"

"Sorry miss, we are not allowed to give out that information."

"Shoot.... umm, umm... okay this is gonna sound really crazy,” she laughed nervously, “but I know him, I know him really really well and you see, well it’s a funny story actually, but I am trying to get in touch with him and – “

"I'm sorry, I can't help you. Good bye."

"Noooooo please don't hang up."

*click*

“Crap!”

She dialled the number again.

"The Summit, how can I help you?"

"Hi it's me again."

"Sorry?"

"I just called there."

"Oh you... the one that knows Mr. Jackson?"

"Yes, I wanted -”

"Look Miss, please stop calling here. If you really do know Mr. Jackson I am sure you will have a better way of contacting him. Good bye"

“But...”

*click*

“UGH!”

She dialled the number again.

"The Summit, how can I help you?"

"Hi please don't hang up please; please I just want to ask you one thing."

Allison heard an audible groan on the phone, "yes?"

"Can you just tell me the names of top hotels in the direct area please? I swear I won’t call back again."

The lady ran through of a couple of names of hotels that Allison jotted down quickly.

“Okay thank you, thank you very much.

“Ah yeah, you’re welcome.” Then she lowered her voice, "but if I was Michael Jackson, I would probably stay at the St. Regis in downtown Houston.”

“Oh. Okay, thank you so much, really.”

She giggled triumphantly as she called directory assistance again and got the number of the Regis in Houston. However she quickly found out that the desk staff at the Regis were a little more stringent than the girl she spoke to at The Summit. She tried four times unsuccessfully to get through to a room, any room that would get her to Michael and was denied each time. By the fifth time they were not even entertaining her requests and advised her to stop harassing the staff. All the excitement of getting a hold of him vanished as quickly as it came. She sat leaning against the sofa with her head in her hands when Samson came over to nudge her gently. She scratched his head, “Sorry Sam, mommy is acting a little crazy. I don’t know what to do now.”

The yellow lab placed his head on her knee wagging his tail giving her his best puppy eyes.

“Okay my yellow fellow, let’s go for a walk.”

As she walked along the boardwalk with Sam she tried to think of how she could get a hold of Michael. At least now she knew for sure he was at the Regis, but how was she going to get a hold of him. She could fly there and try to find him or wait outside like all the other fans, which didn't really appeal to her. And what if she didn't find him in Houston? She couldn't fly all over and follow him hoping someone would see her.

Ugh...I am such a dork! Why didn't she think about this before she left??

She turned back to return to her apartment when something caught her eye. Something she hadn't seen in that spot before. It was the new billboard that had gone up along the Pacific Coast Hwy. It must have gone up while she was away. It was right across the street from north building of her apartment complex. It didn't block their view, but she had signed the petition and rallied with her neighbours to stop it from going up. It was only a matter of time before they put up another one that would block their building. It was just a total eyesore if you asked her. All for the sake of putting up more advertising. She looked at the ad. New Motorola Wrist Watch Pager, It’s not Science Fiction Anymore.

"Yeah just what the world needs, instant access to you anywhere! How about a Michael pager...”

“Pager? Oh my god, Mary's pager”. Allison had Mary's pager number... or had.

She pulled at Sam's leash, "come on Sam, we gotta get home."

Back in her apartment she scrambled down the hall to go to her work area. The last time she had it was in Japan, when she had paged Mary to let her know she was back at the hotel. That was the first day in Tokyo. She went to her work desk and found her notebook from the first leg of Michael's tour. She opened steno-styled pad and there on the back of the front cover was Mary's pager number and info.

"I hope it still works!"

She went to the phone and dialled the number and waited. A message began, “Please enter the numeric number from which you are calling and press the pound key.”

She pressed the ten digits carefully followed by the # key.

“Your number has been recorded, good bye.”

She replaced the phone in the cradle "oh ... please let that work."

Now all she had to do was wait to see if anyone returned her call.

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The next morning Allison rose early. She had a restless sleep worried that Mary’s pager wouldn’t work and she would have to come up with another solution to reach Michael. She planned on staying close to home in the hopes she would call. She had Samson out and back by 8AM. Returning to sit and wait, fidget and wait and pace and wait. Luckily for her nerves she didn't have to wait long, a couple hours later her phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Mary Collier returning your page."

She swallowed anxiously, "Mary... hi, it's Allison, Allison Wolf."

"Oh Allison, hi. I thought I recognized this number. How are you?"

She breathed a sigh of relief. After yesterday debacle she was afraid no one would remember her.

"I am good Mary and you?"

Mary laughed freely, "oh we are crazy here. Things are starting to gear up for the European Leg." Mary cleared her throat quickly, "are you still joining us Ally?"

It was just then that Allison realized the position she put Michael in by leaving and only leaving a note. From the way Mary was talking it was obvious that Michael most likely didn't tell everyone why she left. Probably saying she went home as planned or for some other personal reason. She took that as a good sign.

"Yup, that was my plan. So you guys are in Houston tonight?"

"Yes, at The Summit for two more nights, then off to Atlanta. I can't believe we only have 4 more cities left in the US. It really has gone by so fast!"

Wow only 4 more?" Allison couldn't believe it either. It made her feel like she had been away from it even longer than just over a month.

"Yeah, 3 nights each in Atlanta, Chicago, Dallas and finally Minneapolis and then we are done here until the fall. So what can I do for you Ally? Are you looking for Michael?"

"Ah yeah, sorry Mary. I wasn't sure how to get a hold of him and I found your pager, and umm, I hope you don't mind..." Allison felt her skin heat up with embarrassment at her loss for words as to say why she had contacted her and she didn't want to seem rude. But really this was her only way to him. It seemed silly.

However Allison needn't worry Mary was close enough to the situation to understand what had been going on over the last month. She could easily hear and sense Allison apprehension. Mary was genuinely glad to hear from Allison. She had left the morning of the 4th from New York with nary a word to anyone, including Michael it would seem and he didn't bother to tell anyone any different. He was the ultimate professional and went about his job in his usual practiced and trained way he always did. For the most part, no one was any wiser that something was amiss. Well no one that didn’t know him well. His inner circle could see how sad he was once she was gone, when he was alone in the numerous hotels, on the planes, buses and vans. He never complained or said a word about what he was feeling, remained positive and polite with anyone he came in contact with. But you could see it, His smile wasn’t as bright and it never reached his eyes. Mary had a strong feeling Michael would be thrilled she had called.

“Of course I don’t mind and will definitely let him know you called.”

Allison's felt her heart sink. She was hoping to talk to him as soon as possible. "Umm, okay that would great. Thanks Mary."

"He should be back in a couple hours Ally," Mary could hear the disappointment in her voice. "He is out at the local children's hospital today, but I will leave him a message to call you."

"Great, just tell him to call me at this number."

But when Michael called, she wasn't there. After Mary called she went by her office to pick up some of her extra supplies. She was hoping to take the time to develop the rolls of film she had taken while in Oakhurst. Then she went out to her own doctors' to discuss her pregnancy and get some additional blood work done, which ended up taking longer than expected. When she returned he had already called and left her a message. His sweet smooth voice telling her he was glad she called. He had been worried about her when she didn't return his messages. He said that he would call her back after his performance tonight. He laughed quietly into the phone as he reminded her that there was a 2 hour time difference so she should be able to wait up for him without falling asleep. Then he went silent and sighed into the phone, "Okay, I have to go. I love you Allison. Wait up for me. I will call you after the show."

She stared at the machine and swallowed the lump in her throat. How could she have been so foolish to leave him in New York? She could have lost him in all of this. She had been so anxious to talk to him, but when she heard his voice she was afraid of what he would say. She closed her eyes thinking of his face, the sweetness of his words and his joke about her staying awake. Now she knew she had to be with him and stay with him. She was silly to think she could be without him, especially now. She needed to push her fears away about who he was that she could lose him. He missed her too. She replayed her father's words in head when he asked her how many other girls were on tour with him... "well then I don’t suspect they will have nearly the same chance as you"

She knew there were no other women in his life. Nor was anyone spending as much time with him as she was and she knew he was sincere about her. The same way she was sincere about him. God, sincere didn't even come close to how she felt about him. She was head over heels in love with him. She sat down on the sofa to calm her breath. There just had to be a way to bridge the gap between their intense attraction and opening up their vulnerable sides to one another. They were attracted to one another, but they were both scared to take that last step to commit completely to one another. She wasn't sure how they would get there, but she was determined to make it work no matter what it took.

With her new determination to make it work and comfort knowing he was calling she relaxed back into her routine. It was 3 o'clock, so she had plenty of time before his call. She took a nap and had a light dinner and tried to figure out exactly what she was going to say. Her dinner went cold as she ran through the possible scenarios of their conversations. Being the control freak that she was, she wanted to be prepared, but it was almost an impossible task when all she really wanted to do was just hear him talk to her. Giving up on coming up with something even remotely suitable she took Sam for a walk along the boardwalk. The air started to get cool as the sun started to set and she returned to take a nice leisurely bath to warm herself up, taking the time to deep condition her hair. Not to mention her lower back was bothering her, stiff from the long drive and it felt good to soak in the tub. Warmed and comfortable after her bath, she changed into her favourite blue plaid shirt with a pair of leggings.

She started a small fire in the living room fireplace and sat on the floor, leaning again the sofa reading the latest issue of Outdoor Photographer. Samson was lying beside her, head on lap, keeping her safe and warm. She had just glanced at the clock on her wall, thinking he would be calling in the next hour or so when her phone rang at 9:32. She jumped slightly. If that was Michael, he must have rushed back to his hotel, showered promptly to call her so quickly after the show. Her hands were shaking from nervous excitement.  “Breath Ally, breath”

"Hello?"

"Girl, is that you?"

As soon as she heard his voice, she felt the sting of tears threaten to fall. Her mouth opened but nothing came out but a small sound. Her mouth became dry and her heart began to pound hard, feeling as if it was in her throat echoing in her ears. She could barely form a thought let alone say anything. Hearing his voice live was almost like being with him, god she was missing him. Now she had to tell him how much she needed to be with him and she was sorry she left.

"Ally, hello, hello are you there?"

“Michael,” was all she managed before her voice broke. She swallowed and licked her lips, “hi.”

“Ally, hey, how’s my girl? I miss you girl, I need you here with me Ally.  I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke."

She couldn't stop her tears, "oh god Michael... Michael, I am so sorry for leaving."

"Awe, baby, don’t cry, don’t cry. I’m sorry too, okay. I should have never walked away from you. Girl can you ever forgive me?"

“Only if you can forgive me Michael, I was being silly and I…” she was trying to pick her words carefully, she didn’t to let it slip that she was pregnant over the phone. She wanted to share that news with him in person."... and I miss you Michael, I miss you so much," she sniffed getting her tears under control for the moment.

"I miss you too girl, I can't sleep without you. I need to feel you beside me."

"I need you too Michael."

“I miss holding you, kissing you,” he lowered his voice, “touching you.”

“I miss that too,” she felt her heart surge with the love she felt for him.

“When can I see you Ally?” Michael breathed into the phone, “come to Atlanta. Please say you will come and finish the last part of the US Leg with me.”

“I would like that. I wanna see you too."

"Okay, I will have Mary organize everything.  I think we arrive on the 12th. You can pick up your ticket at the airport and James will pick you up and bring you to the hotel.

"Okay, I need to organize a few things here, so it may take me a couple days."

"I will have Mary get everything set up, just let her know what day works best."

"Okay."

They talked for another hour with Michael telling her everything that happened over the last month of the tour. He told her about his final night in NYC and the after party. He told her he was honoured by the United Negro College Fund and received their highest honour, the Frederick D. Patterson award for his charitable donations.

He sounded so proud, "It was magic, girl. Q, my parents, Elizabeth, Liza, Whitney, so many good people were there. It was wonderful. I wish you could have been there."

"It sounds like it was amazing. I am sorry I missed it."

"I was actually nervous," Michael admitted.

Allison giggled, "I thought you didn't get nervous?"

"Girl I know but I was excited."

They both went quiet again. Mostly because Allison was tired, but she wouldn't tell him that and Michael because he was thinking.

He spoke first, “can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, anything,” she drawled sleepily.

“Where were you Ally? Your note said you were going home? I called and called. I was beginning to get real worried.”

“I’m sorry Michael. I did go home, to my parents’ home. I just kinda ended up there.”

“Why there, were you that upset?”

“No. Well, I dunno, maybe. I guess I needed quiet time to think and that seemed like the best place.”

"Think about us?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"And?"

"I love you Michael, I love you so much, but sometimes things overwhelm me. We need to talk."

Michael sighed, "Ally, you know I love you. I still have your note. You need to know you fit perfectly in my life."

"Michael I -"

"No," he interrupted. "You need to know this. I know I am asking a lot from you, but I am thinking of the future. Our future Ally. Trust me, you'll see."

"I do trust you Michael. I guess I just got scared."

"Are you still scared?”

She smiled into the receiver, "no, I don't think so."

"Good."

She yawned again, "now can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Will you talk to me for a while? I am getting tired... talk to me till I fall asleep?"

"Girl, I'll talk to you for as long as you like."

“Okay, hang on I wanna switch phones.”

Michael chuckled, “I can call you back you know.”

“No," she laughed. "Now that I have a connection to you I am never hanging up, just hang on."

He laughed, “I’ll wait then."

"Okay, give me a minute."

He could hear her moving around. She went to her bedroom and took the receiver off the hook, then returned to the living area and hung up the other phone. She returned to her bedroom, switching off the lights on her way back. She pulled off her leggings and top and quickly pulled on her night tee and shorts and crawled into bed and Samson came to lie on the floor on her side.

In bed, she picked up the receiver, "hi."

"Girl you are too silly, running around so you can talk on the phone."

"Yup, but now I can fall asleep talking you."

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"Umm yeah, I dunno."

"You wanna talk but you don't know what about?"

The fact was that Allison didn't care what they talked about. She was complete satisfied listening to him talk, hearing his voice and feeling that connection to him.

"I just like hearing you talk to me. Tell me more about the tour and the UNCF presentation."

He chuckled to himself and started to tell her about some of the children's hospital's he had visited, Elizabeth's beautiful speech at the UNFC, which she loved. But it wasn't long before she was out like a light and sound asleep.

"Good night girl,” he whispered before hanging up the phone.

She woke up the next morning with the phone receiver trapped beneath her arm poking her side. The small price of pain she was willing to put up with if she could fall asleep like that every night. He made her feel so safe, she couldn’t wait to see him. She got up and took Sam for his usual walk, which seem to wake her up and her going for her day. She figured she should leave on the Wednesday, so that gave her three full days and a bit to get thing organized. She spent the majority of the Sunday making list of what she needed to do before she left and what she needed to bring. Things would change being pregnant on tour, but she was sure she could handle it, especially when the sickness subsided.

She called her parents, telling them she would be leaving on Wednesday to join Michael in Atlanta. Val would stay with Sam until Saturday and then her father would drive down and pick him up. She also called Valerie, telling her she was home for a scheduled trip and was just doing some things for the office. There was no need to tell Val she hadn't told Michael now that everything was settled. Besides the fact she was sure Val wouldn't be too impressed with her actions. It really was out of self preservation... What Ms. Whitworth doesn't know won't hurt me...

Over the next two days they talked as often as they could on the phone. He had given her the room number and his code name, Mr. Bobo, for her to reach him. She called him Sunday morning and he called her before and after the show, again talking to her until she fell asleep. Monday morning he called her early, waking her from her dreams. At first she was upset that he woke her from her Michael dream. But when he told her he was in bed too and he wanted to think of her in bed all warm, sleepy and sexy she forgave him rather quickly.

"I can't wait to touch you Ally, hold you, kiss you," he emitted a groan. "Make love to you."

"Michael," she blushed embarrassed he was making her temperature rise at the same thoughts.

"Girl, I need to feel you," he was getting hard just thinking of being near her.

"Please Michael don't..." she sighed.

"Do you want me to stop?"

She whispered his name again. She didn't want him to stop and she didn't tell him to either.

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Tuesday, April 12, 1988 - Huntington Beach

She was lying in bed with Michael in behind her whispering his words of desire and lust in her ear. His hands caressed her slowly, sensually, taking their time. His warm fingers played with the ties of her shorts as his lips moved down the back of her exposed shoulder, "I love you Ally."

She pushed her body into his, "I love you too Michael."

*ring*

*ring*

"NO! No. Noooooo!"

She reached for the phone, "This better be good mister, I am dreaming of you."

“Ah, sorry? Hello is this Allison Wolf.” a voice that was certainly not Michael’s replied.

She bolted up, “oh god, I am so embarrassed. Hi, yes this is Allison Wolf.”

“Allison, its Dr. Sinclair calling.”

She laughed, “oh hello Dr. Paul, sorry I was expecting my friend.”

He gave her a low chuckle but kept his tone light but serious, “Allison I would like you to come down to the clinic at the hospital this morning if you could, I would like to run a couple of tests.”

Her mind jolted wide awake, “Is everything okay?"

The doctor was silent for a moment. He didn’t want to scare the young lady, but he needed to see her as soon as possible to make sure everything really was okay, “Allison, I am a little concerned by your numbers, but I cannot make a determination until I examine you.”

She swallowed nervously, “umm, okay... okay. I can be there, umm, in a... in less than an hour.”

“Alright, go to my clinic at the hospital and ask the receptionist for Nurse Ross.  She is will be expecting you Allison. I will see you when you arrive.”

Allison hung up the phone. Her hands were shaking. Oh my god, what could be wrong.

She arrived at the clinic about 30 minutes later. All she did was wash her face, brush her teeth and pull her hair back in to a loose pony tail. She took Sam out quickly and got him fed. She was in such a state and rush to leave she almost left in her pajamas and slippers.  Once there, she advised the receptionist who she was and asked for the Nurse as instructed by Dr. Sinclair.  Five minutes later a middle age lady came towards here, she was probably about the age of her mom perhaps a couple years younger.

"Hello, are you Ms. Wolf?"

"Hi, yes, please call me Allison."

"Hi Allison, nice to meet you, my name is Carol Ross, I am the head nurse here. Please come with me."

The nurse led her down a hospital corridor, past a small area that looked like a nurses’ station, to examination room # 2. She handed Allison a standard blue hospital gown, “Allison please remove all of your clothing from the waist down. You may leave your bra and top on.”

“Okay.”

"When you're done, please come back to my area so we can set you up to do you your blood work. You may leave all your personal items in here."

"Okay."

Allison changed quickly, thinking if she moved quickly it assured that things would be okay. Once divested of her clothing, she met the nurse to give four vials of blood.

The nurse gave her an encouraging smile as she walked her back to the examination room, “okay dear, Dr. Sinclair is just in the other examination room. I will let him know you are ready to see him and he will be with you shortly.”

“Okay.”

She kept saying okay to everything. Like a broken recorded with the needle stuck in the groove. But nothing was okay. It just seemed to be the only word she could say right now.

She sat on the cold black faux leather chair and tried to relax. She was nervous. What could be wrong? Why was she even here? She should be home waiting for Michael's call. She needed to finish packing and prepare to leave; her flight was at 11AM tomorrow morning. After what seemed like an eternity, Dr. Sinclair entered the room.

"Allison, how are you feeling?"

"Fine, but I am a little scared," she answered honestly. "Why am I here Dr. Paul? I thought everything was okay."

He smiled to reassure her, but the news wasn't positive. "Your platelets are a little low as well your HCG levels are much lower than I would expect at your stage of pregnancy. Did the doctor in Oakhurst mention anything to you at all?"

“No not that I remember.”

The doctor nodded, “okay did the nurse take your blood when you came in?”

“Yes."

The doctor patted the examination table, “alright let’s get you up on the table here.”

She climbed up on the table putting her feet in the stirrups.

“Allison, just relax okay, this will feel no different than your yearly check up.”

“Okay, I am trying." But it was different. This wasn't her yearly check up that she despised. This was her baby. She would do anything he asked her to.

"Can you move down just a little more, a little more? Okay that’s perfect."

She felt his hands moving inside her, pressing at the top of her cervix than below. It didn't take him long.

"Okay Allison you can get down now."

She pushed herself up with her elbows and adjusted her gown before swinging her legs to the front. She looked at the doctor expectantly, "so?"

"Allison, I am going to have you admitted into the hospital for some test."

“What... why, what's happening?”

He looked at her seriously, “your cervix is dilated.”

“What!? How can that be? I am only 11 weeks pregnant! What does that mean?”

"Allison, listen to me, it is important you listen okay and answer my questions honestly."

 “Okay, I am listening, I mean I will,” she responded her voice cracking from the fear she felt. What was going on?

“Have you had any spotting?”

“No, nothing.”

“Any cramping or pains in your stomach?”

“No.”

“None at all?”

“No, but I have been sick. A lot.”

“Okay, how about any lower back pain?”

“Umm, yeah, a little."

"When did you have the pain?"

"Ah, Friday after I came home, no not Friday it was sore on Saturday,” she swallowed.

“Was the pain sharp or piercing?”

“No it was more like a dull nagging pain.”

"Was that the first time?"

"Yes."

“Okay, Allison, we need to get you admitted. I will send up the paperwork to request two ultrasounds.  The first will be a standard one you have had before and the other is a transvaginal. ”

“Dr. Paul, what’s wrong… what’s wrong with my baby?”

He sighed. There was no good way to deliver this news to an expectant mother, “I believe you are experiencing what we call a threatened miscarriage.”

“What? What is that? I don't understand, I mean I don't feel anything, everything feels fine. I feel fine.”

"Allison, I need you to relax, okay. Promise me you are going to relax."

"Okay, but what does that mean? Am I going to lose my baby?"

"Allison, I won't know until -”

"NO!" she yelled startling herself more than the doctor. "You do know! You tell me what you think!"

He didn't want to lie to her, "it can go either way. That is why I am admitting you to the hospital to be safe."

"Either way? Either way what?"

The doctor looked at her cautiously, "Allison you will either have miscarriage or the pregnancy will progress as normal."

No, no... no this can't be happening

Allison covered her face with her hands, trying to shield herself from what she was hearing.

She looked up at the doctor, "so what are my chances of everything being okay?"

"Allison I would rather not speculate until -"

"Please, please tell me, am I going to lose my baby?"

He signed, "from what I have seen so far, I think you may have already miscarried or are about to, we need to get you admitted."

There it was. Matter of fact, plain as day and right there for her to hear. All she could do was comply with the doctor's orders.

Once admitted, she was given the standard wrist tag that identified her as a patient. She was sent up to the 5th floor where she waited to have her ultrasound tests completed. As she waited she was given a consent/release form to sign to agree to the transvaginal ultrasound. Everything and everyone seemed so detached and unemotional. They walked around like nothing was wrong. But something was wrong. This was so wrong, but no one seemed too noticed. It reminded her of the movie "The Stepford Wives." The movie from the 70s where all the women were calm, dutiful wives. Happy and content robot woman with no feelings. But right now all she wanted to do was scream. She felt as if she was walking through foggy dream throughout the entire procedure. Nothing that was happening seemed real. She tried to peek at the screen that was hidden from her view. Thinking if she could just see with her own eyes than it would be okay.

 She didn't even hear the technician speaking to her, "Ms. Wolf, Ms. Wolf, we're done now.”

"Sorry," she replied coming out of her dazed state.

"No problem."

"What do I do now?"

“If you want to go back down to the clinic and get dressed, I will send the results down to Dr. Sinclair."

She swallowed, "umm okay, thank you." Her voice sounded like someone else's.

She was back in examination room # 2. She looked at the wall clock. It was 12:48. But it seemed like she had been at the hospital for days, when she had only been there for just over 3 hours. She placed her hand on her stomach and rubbed it slowly, "it's gonna be okay. We are gonna be okay."

A few minutes later Dr. Sinclair came into the room. She sat up straight and met his eyes hopeful, but they didn't hold the answers she longed to hear.

"Allison, I'm sorry.”

"Nooo, oh god please."

"Allison, I'm sorry, you have lost the baby."

"But, but that can't be possible. I don't feel different. Are you sure?"

"Allison we're sure, that is why I admitted you, to be sure."

With her head down she closed her eyes to keep her tears from escaping, "what now?"

"Is there anyone we can call for you Allison?"

"Just tell me."

The doctor picked his words as carefully as he could, "there is no activity and your HCG levels have fallen considerably since your last two tests. Because there is no bleeding, the safest bet is to have a D & C to remove the blood and tissue."

"When?"

"Allison, you should really have someone - "

"When?" She breathed slowly, trying hard to close the door on her emotions so she could deal with what she needed to.

"I can schedule you for the procedure this afternoon. It is very quick and you will be able to go home tonight."

She didn't respond. She was trying hard to absorb it all.

The doctor touched her shoulder, "Allison please know that miscarriages are very common, especially with the first pregnancy. Sometimes there are abnormalities that cause the pregnancy to terminate."

She nodded and met his eyes, she knew he was just trying to put a positive spin on something that just didn't feel positive right now.

His eyes were sincere, "do you have someone we can call?"

She nodded slowly, blinking to keep her tears at bay, "Ah, yeah... I have someone."

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